For years my husband and I debated on whether we would have children or not. On a regular basis we were asked why we didn’t have any kids yet. When we would suggest that we might not want kids we were called selfish. We would look at the unyielding stranger in amazement. How is that selfish? How can it be selfish to second guess if you are the right person to be a parent, if this is a relationship that a child should be a part of, or if you can afford to take care of the offspring you bring into this world? Who is the stranger to judge the decisions we are making for our lives?
I have friends who are lesbians and friends with fertility issues. They would all be spectacular parents, but adoptions, sperm banks, in vitro fertilization procedures, and even surrogate mothers all come with their own hefty price tag. Dinner parties become awkward when these women are met with that familiar barrage of prodding questions and catty comments about that ‘biological clock”. But maybe the Joneses would pipe down if they were asked to make a large donation to Elizabeth and Sarah’s Kickstarter campaign to fund their big purchase at the cryobank.
People don’t stop there, once you have children your sex life continues to be the topic of discussion. A friend of mine was minding her own business waiting in line at the grocery with her four beautiful daughters when a stranger decided to stick her nose where it wasn’t wanted. The woman smiled at Lilly and asked, “I see you’re trying for a boy?” A bit taken back Lilly replied, “No we aren’t, these four angels are exactly what we wanted.” The level 5 cat in her wanted to leap out at the woman and scream, “Do you know how 4 kids affect your sex life?! And not that it’s any of your business but I have a son, he’s not with us right now. He lives in a much greater place.” Later in the evening Lilly expressed her anger and hurt on Facebook. I was appalled that a stranger would say something like that in front of Lilly’s children.
And when blessed with a house full of children people are still concerned with your private life. When Nosy Nancy sees a family with six kids in tow she is apt to ask, “You do know how it keeps happening, right?” If people envisioned “Cheaper By the Dozen” when they began planning their family, it should be their business.
Why do people think it’s OK to talk about this subject without knowing the person? Do you really want to hear all about my fertility issues or how much I’m spending to try to adopt? Or do you want me to tell you all about the heartbreak of an adoption loss or even worse, a loss of a child while I’m waiting for a price check on Aisle 2?
I am sure if I asked that clueless woman at Walmart when the last time was that she was boinked, I would be viewed as rude but yet she can make my sexual frequency part of her conveyor belt conversation.
I know most people are just making small talk or really wondering if I’m going to have children, but they should really think about the possible responses of that loaded question and just talk about the price of milk going up. And if you’re my friend and ask these questions, you should really prepare yourself for a long, sit-down talk where I spill my heart out to you. If you’re not prepared for that, let’s just chit chat.
And just in case you are wondering, asking if I’m pregnant is also an issue that should be on the chopping block, but that is a matter for another day.
#mysexlifeismybusiness #yesiknowwherebabiescomefrom #yeswejustwantone