I Am A Fatty Paradox

I surround myself only with beautiful people, even though I am not beautiful.

I judge people who are lazy, lethargic, and large.  I am lazy, lethargic and large.

I’m a shallow, judgmental bitch.

I am the first person in my circle of friends to make a fat joke, even though I am fat.

When I say that I am a fat girl, I don’t mean that I’m one of those girls who looks at her shape in the mirror and cries because she can pinch an inch, or has a dimple in her thighs that wasn’t there ten years ago. Oh, no!  I’m truly and honestly fat — obese. I shop at the plus-sized stores, have stretch marks from my knees to my nipples, and have gone up in bra-sizes every year, even though those puppies “quit growing” in puberty.

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I’d easily wager that I am 100 lbs or more overweight. I’m guessing, because scales were outlawed in my home before I turned thirty. I also don’t ever look below the neck when I’m checking myself in the mirror.

It’s weird, I know. But, in my head, I’m still 23, a C-cup, and a Size 8.

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So, why is it that I hate in others what I am myself? Maybe it’s the same part of me that lives in a state of euphoric denial. And, after all, isn’t it human nature to hate those of us who manifest our deepest insecurities and fears?

The conundrum is that while I hate the quality in others, and while I imagine myself as the 23-year-old-me most of the time, I know that I’m not. I’ll be the first to admit to anyone that I’m grotesquely overweight. How can I imagine myself skinny and still admit my size to random people (and so publicly here)?

How can there be two parts of me that are so glaringly obvious and in conflict with each other? Is every female psyche equally complex? Or, am I unique in denying to myself, while embracing to others, my body, its size, flaws, and incongruities?

You’d think (and I’d agree) that my behavior should be the exact opposite — I should be aware of my size, understanding of weight problems in others, and less judgmental.  And, you’d be right.

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Here’s where it gets weirder. While the part of me that still sees the 23 year old body is in complete and utter denial, the other part of me is incredibly aware of my size, its awkwardness, and how repulsive it must seem to everyone else. That part of me is probably the reason why I don’t look below my neck in the mirror.

How can a person love herself to the point of turning a blind eye to her own flaws, while hating herself to the point of being consumed with how repulsive she must appear to others?

Am I alone? I can’t be. The rest of me is too screwed up and there’s got to be something normal in here somewhere.  Of course, I know I can change myself.  That’s always been the key, hasn’t it?

But, when one is consumed with self-loathing, why would one take steps creating a better environment or body image?  It’s counter-productive to the vicious and hyper-critical identity I’ve nurtured from a young age.

So, the real question, I suppose, is not how to lose weight or stop judging others. No, the real question is how to learn to love oneself enough to stop the destructive cycle.  Hopefully this blog will become a journey of self-discovery.

And hopefully, I’ll turn from this:.

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to this:

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7 responses to “I Am A Fatty Paradox

  1. Props for being so vulnerable in front of anyone. Tsk for thinking everyone else thinks you’re repulsive. You are attractive even if you’re not the size you want to be. Stop judging yourself first since that’s what you’re doing when you’re calling out other ample ladies.

  2. Hey girl. Uh, love you, first of all. We are similar in some ways. I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you one thing. Those that love you don’t see you as grotesquely overweight. When they see you they don’t think, “there’s that grotesquely overweight Kara .. ughh.” They’re thinking, “there’s my dear friend/daughter/sister” , and probably nothing more than that. Those who don’t know you are probably thinking about your appearance when they first see you (that’s what we do) but if they’re decent and they take the time to get to know you, they’ll mainly be thinking, “what a delightful woman!” The rest of the world really doesn’t matter.

    I struggle with some unhealthy thoughts when it comes to my weight, from a need for validation, to denial, defiance and even some self-loathing at times. I try to “catch myself in the act”, validate my emotions but then steer my thoughts in a more truthful direction. That’s when I can change my behavior and make choices that are more healthy for me. Sometimes I’m even successful!

    Maybe we can talk and share stories sometime. We might be able to help each other.

  3. You are amazing. Let’s start there. Just admitting that there is a war inside of you is an important step. I think most of us in this world struggle with self-hate, so you are not alone. Nor are you alone in your denial- hell, most of the world lives in denial most of the time. Sometimes when the denial falls away, and I realize the truth about a situation, I am completely floored. We are good at this as human beings. Don’t kick yourself for this, too- forgive it, accept it, and try to nail it when it happens. I am struggling as well, and working every day to change my self-talk. How we talk about ourselves (and others whom we see as ‘like us’) is a broken record for our subconscious. It’s time to put in a new CD, and appreciate some good thoughts for a change. One little thought at a time. I hope some of this is helpful- I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I hope it resonates. Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel honored to be trusted with it.

  4. Kara I have known you for a long time. Although we have never been “friends” I am a friend of someone special to you. I saw you a couple of years ago, not sure if you saw me. Not for a second did I think “oh there’s Kara….wow she’s gained weight!!” I thought “oh hey there’s Kara! I wonder if she recognizes me, should I go say hey…..no I will be embarrassed if she doesn’t recognize me” I always looked up to you. You were a big sister I never had. You were cool, funny, pretty, awesome. I was intimidated by you. Not everyone thinks like you think they think (ya think lol). I just wanted to share that with you 🙂

  5. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of you for your kind words and encouragement.

    I am optimistic that this blog series will become something more personal for me, and a therapeutic process towards a better me.

    Love to you all!

    ~ Me

  6. Pingback: Fatty Paradox 2: Breaking Through To The New Me |

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