Mommy Miss America?

The Miss America Pageant is overrated.  It is women in their absolute prime dedicating all their free time (trust me, ladies, whether you believe it or not you really do have free time) to practicing their talents, staying abreast of current events, and working out.   It is a façade that people really can be perfect from the tips of their perky boobs to depths of their super smart grey matter.  It provides opportunity to hear the cattiest of the catty comments via social media and allows us to feel bad about ourselves because we can’t match them or feel better about ourselves because of us or others tearing them apart.  It allows me to wish we could have a more realistic view of women.  Hell, why don’t we hail mommies of the world?

WHAT IF THERE WAS A MISS MOMMY AMERICA PAGEANT?

Interview

Candidates are scored on curriculum knowledge ranging from 1st grade Social Studies to 12th grade Calculus.  Bonuses are acquired for number of baking contest blue ribbons, completed Pinterest projects, length of time it took to potty train children, and vegetables children are willing to ingest on command by judges.

Talent

• BandAid application – judged on accuracy and speed
• Best science project completed by mom with assistance from child
• Minivan hood modeling
• Profanity speed spelling – judged on accuracy and speed (children must be pre-readers to compete)
• Last minute Halloween costume concocting

Yes, I really DID do this and I asked my almost five year old to snap it for me. Don’t judge.

Evening Gown/Swimsuit

• Least dimples and varicose veins in swimsuit cover-up competition
• Most endearing crow’s feet and laugh lines (Botox disqualifies you)
• Most improved by girdle and push up bra (Before and after walks required)
• Least offensive Keds.

See?  There are a gazillion realistic ways in which mommies can excel.  I am not sure why this is not already an existing competition because I would watch the HELL out of it.  Talk about finding a middle aged role model!

What categories would YOU like to see?