Monthly Archives: October 2013

Legitimately Sexy Halloween

Let me be clear, this is not an attack on party stores or any costume companies that make smart business decisions for stocking what people are buying.  This is an attack on you dumbasses who wear these costumes.  For years the French Maid and the Nurse ruled the Halloween roost as the epitome of SEXY costume attire.    I actually don’t have a problem with them.  They are as classic as a sheet ghost, a witch, or a pregnant nun.  BUT I beg of you, if you (absolutely) HAVE TO dress sexy for Halloween can you please be legitimately sexy?

#1) Sexy Skeleton: Unless you’re a necrophiliac, skeletons should never be sexy. They are intended to conjure up nightmares of walking dead and have in more recent years (thanks to images of dancing skeletons) become more elementary and cute, NOT SEXY.

Worst skeleton EVER!
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WHY IT’S THE WORST SKELETON EVER:

An armless, footless, and headless skeleton with floating jazz hands is NOT sexy.

#2) Princess Leia:  Why (OH GOD WHY) would you wear the costume below when there is a perfectly good Sexy Leia outfit that is accurate and available for your purchase?  If you are dying to show that your -er- force is with you, then by all means wear the slave costume.  You get nerdy street cred AND don’t look like the person that never watched these films EVER.

Sexy Princess LeiaI will cut you if you wear this.
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AN ACCURATE SEXY OPTION:

Slave Princess LeiaLegitimate Princess Leia.  Seriously, let’s all just get real for a second.
The Slave costume is WAY hotter than that dumb dress anyway.
PICTURE SOURCE

#3) Sexy Ninja Turtles:  I just can’t.  I just don’t know what to say and can’t figure out what I even need to say to this.  I have seen so many terrible pictures online of actual women doing their sexy twist on mutant turtles that are trained in the skills of ninjas and crime fighting.

You don’t remotely look like a turtle, a ninja or a man,
but you DO look a little mutant.
PICTURE SOURCE

MY SUGGESTED ALTERNATIVE FOR A SEXY SUPER HERO:

Okay, just look at her!   She’s HOT and um….. Not green.
Still pretty sure there is nothing sexy about a turtle.
PICTURE SOURCE

#4) Sexy Zebra:  I’m not really sure who finds zebras sexy or who finds even the hottest woman in the world sexy when she’s dressed up as an unconvincing zebra .  If I were 100% confident with my body and willing to wear spandex (or level out at a 68% confidence level, but become zebra-willing after having a few shots), I am not sure I would still go for such a fake looking attempt at a zebra.

Wild Zebra

Not a convincing zebra at all.
PICTURE SOURCE

MY SUGGESTED ALTERNATIVE:

 Totally convincing and this zebra is sexier (read less scary) than the woman-beast.  See?  Even the lions want to tap that.
PICTUE SOURCE

#5)  The Sexy Cheerleader:  If you have the body to rock this costume then by all means go ahead, Pamela Anderson, but I am not sure I appreciate sexy cheerleaders.  What I DO appreciate is the collegiate level cheerleaders who are amazing athletes performing incredible stunts in cool/cold fall weather wearing the skimpy outfits expected of them and keeping a happy face and peppy attitude while doing so.

I’m sorry, WHO are you cheering for?  Satan?  And WHERE are your pom poms?  P.S. Do you think you’re going to get everyone’s spirits up with bitchy resting face?
PICTURE SOURCE

MY SUGGESTED ALTERNATIVE:

Dallas Cowgirl Cheerleader

If you MUST be a cheerleader for Halloween then THIS is a believable sexy one.  Why?  Because she actually exists.  If you’re absolutely dying to show of your killer gams and abs then just put your football biases aside and become a Dallas Cowgirl or some other legitimate cheerleader.
PICTURE SOURCE

#6)  Sexy Law Enforcement:  Do I have to even go here?  There is nothing practical or  sexy about either of these suits below.  Did I mention they are impractical?  Try foiling a criminal’s plan in stiletto boots and fishnets.  UGH!

Officer Sheila B NaughtySWAT no protective gear

I’d fight this law and I’d win.

TRUE SEXY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER:

Now this police officer would kick your ass and take your name (and ass) right on down to the station with lipstick still in tact.  A true citizen-protecting, crime-fighting police officer should be considered way sexier to people in this world over someone purchasing polyester to find themselves cute or hot on one night.
PICTURE SOURCE

 #8) Horror Movie Villains:  Chucky?  Freddy Krueger?  These characters are intended to make you pee your pants.  They are not intended to be sexy and they are not intended to be female.

 ChuckyMiss Kreuger

If you see someone in either of these costumes, do the rest of us a favor and push her down the stairs unless she made you pee your pants and then please throw yourself down instead.   Did I mention I hate you for this?
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WHAT I RECOMMEND:

   These costumes are for lurking in the dark.  If you don’t think you can pull off making at least one person acquire the fetal position, suck his thumb, and cry for mommy then don’t you DARE try and wear one of these.  Oh, and they still obviously aren’t remotely sexy.
PICTURE 1 SOURCE      PICTURE 2 SOURCE

#9) Girl Scout:  The Girl Scouts website communicates its mission as “Girl Scouting builds girls of courage, confidence, and character, who make the world a better place.”  You see, the keyword that keeps showing up here is GIRL.  While I am taking the time to discuss sexy animals, villains, and crime fighters, let’s address the inappropriateness of legitimizing pedophiles every where by sexualizing young children.

Titled on Party City’s website as “Don’t Touch My Cookies”, I have to say I don’t want her box anywhere near my box of Samoas.
PICTURE SOURCE

WHAT I RECOMMEND

I recommend that you STOP and think  about how sick your costume choice is.  If you must be sexy anything, keep 8 year olds out of it.  GROSS!

Sexy costumes have really gone too far at this point.  Sexy pizza and Naughty Nemo are just absurd.   As for professions, like police officers or fire fighters, making them “sexy” in this sense makes it harder for women in those professions to get respect and be taken seriously.   Take reason number 10 in this article, for example.  If you Google “sexy Halloween costumes“, you’ll see many of these characters/themes come from childhood/adolescence.   Whether it’s the cheerleader (so often associated with high school), catholic school girl, Strawberry Shortcake, or even a damn ninja turtle…there’s just something really sick about it!

Costumes are way cooler if you create them from your genius brain through your many talents instead of paying $29.99 so some 8 year old child laborer in Asia can repeatedly support your “sexy Halloween habit.  Think about how sexy you’ll be if your costume is flattering AND makes you look witty and smart!  Why have those qualities become unimportant?  The business minded side of me would LOVE to see a pie graph of sexy costume purchases.   It would make me feel slightly superior that I’ll simply be answering my door this Halloween in a witch hat with a lazily drawn eyebrow pencil mole.

And lastly, can I remind you all that October is cold and none of these costumes are warm?  I hate to be your practical mama, but damn, somebody’s gotta be.

Not Your Mom’s “Dear Abby”.

Looking for some great advice on how to handle those catty co-workers or over-bearing family members?  Maybe you were the cat and might have gone a bit too far with your snarky comebacks…

dear abby

Whether you’re the cat or the mouse, the AIBC Team can provide a fresh perspective and a plan of action.  Let the cat out of the bag.  Submit your hiss and take advantage of our anonymous forum, we promise not to judge!

– The AIBC Team

#amibeingcatty #submityourhiss #nojudging

Your Halloween Party-Girl Friend

Halloween. The one time of year you can masquerade around town as someone else. Maybe even pretend to be someone glamorous, beautiful, famous for a day (or weekend). You can show everyone your secret side: sexy, mysterious, clever, secret history buff, closet Star Wars nerd… You get the idea.

Then, you have that one friend who goes bat-shit crazy on Halloween. The one that takes it about five Ravenclaw shots too far. The friend that you went to the party with and are now stuck babysitting because she is falling-down, throwing-up, passing-out drunk.

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That is never really the plan, but all inhibitions are cast aside, and rather than the happy ending from Romeo and Juliet’s masquerade ball…

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…you end up cleaning up something more like a scene from Carrie.

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And guess what? It’s not cute. It’s not sexy or mysterious. It’s definitely not attractive. And it’s not fair to you – the more sober one – to have to take care of a grown woman who should know her limits. So if you have a friend like this, or know someone that does, please share this reminder: Don’t end up face planting in your clever-but-skimpy costume this year because you hit the sauce too hard.

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Pace yourself. Enjoy the entire party -Ravenclaw shots and all- with your friends who are only slightly tipsy. And try to remember that if you go too far, the party photos will end up on Facebook and everyone will see you passed out and drooling on yourself in the corner.

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That one cracks me up every time…

Don’t be that girl,

ZenKitty2

#amibeingcatty
#thesoberfriend
#dontbeapuker

Shrinking Women

Here at AIBC, we have been exploring body image, and we have touched on why women have body image issues in general.  We would like to share this video of Lily Myers, a student performing for Wesleyan University at the 2013 College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational.  If you do nothing else today, take the three and a half minutes to watch this.

Lily’s poem was awarded Best Love Poem at the tournament, and it is our opinion that it is a lesson in loving yourself, and how our role models shape us either willingly or unwillingly.  Lily really provides some insight into how expectations for men and women differ and how much setting examples for our daughters really does matter.

Enjoy,
The Catty Team

What Not to Say at Work

I think we can all agree that work relationships can be a breeding ground for back-stabbing, catty, underhanded and tense situations, and those are just during after-work happy hours. Sometimes it’s all you can do to just keep your trap shut and practice professional decorum. 

To help you avoid the cattiness and douchebaggery (did I just make that up?), here are a few things not to say at work. … You’re free to say them in your head if it makes you feel better, though.

1. Casual Friday does not mean show up in your nightie and call it a dress. We’ll all be back to wearing khakis and polos if you don’t get your girls and gams covered up.

Tights are not pants. Nighties are not dresses. Bras are not camisoles.

2. If I request another work station, have an air purifier and refuse to take sinus medicine, it should be a sign that your overindulgence of Debbie Gibson knock-off perfume is underappreciated. You need to take a bath in tomato juice and scrub the skunk off.

It’s not a night club. It’s work. Rein in your pheromones.

3. Oh, yes. Please send me another inappropriate joke through inter-office email and copy everyone on it. And then make sure that everyone copies everyone else’s LOL and “too funny!” because I totally have time for that shit. I also love the fact you embed 1 MB photo files in the email that crash my computer. But by all means, send away – I don’t mean to be the stick in the mud when everyone just needs a stress reliever.

And you do it badly. Text over the face? Come on! Use those photoshop skills, man!

4. You know that TPS report you turned in Friday? That was a piece of crap. Try again and make some semblance of an effort to actually do your job…you know, the one you’re paid to do here. By the way, I know that you go to the bathroom every hour to play Candy Crush.

Bite me.

5. If I have to sit through another slide presentation that tells me to “maximize work production,” “optimize cost opportunities,” and “diversify our responsibilities,” I’m going to throw myself out the window and take the copier toner with me. Just tell me to do more work for less pay and get it over with.

We all have pet peeves at work. Get it off your chest and vent what you’d like to say here. We’ll never say a word…

PSA: Another question that is better left unasked.

facepalm

A while ago I promised you a post on another “no-no” all women should be made aware of and I am here to put in writing what many of us want to scream from the rooftops…

Don’t ask me if I’m pregnant!

This very thing has happened to me on several occasions; my favorite story to tell involved a stranger dropping a bomb on me at work.  There I was doing my job when a grinning Nosey Nellie loudly asked, “When are you due, dear?  It must be soon.”

At first, my mind couldn’t figure out what she said.  I mean, I wasn’t even near her.  From more than 8 feet away, this bellowing beast threw a wicked curveball that dropped me to my knees.

I felt my face turn red and I nearly ran to the fitting room to hide from the twelve or so people who were within earshot.  Suddenly my mouth opened and I was projecting my voice better than I ever did in drama.  “No I am not pregnant!  I am just fat.  Thank you for pointing that out!” I bellowed.

Immediately she too turned red and stammered, “There was no reason to embarrass me.  You could have answered politely.”

I was appalled.  I thought I was being very polite.  Even though she deserved it, I clenched my teeth tightly to avoid really letting her have it.

yourass

After taking several deep breaths, I smiled and nodded as several female onlookers celebrated the victory they witnessed.  I shamefully walked off to the stockroom where I cried for the next thirty minutes.

She broke a cardinal rule of polite behavior – she didn’t think before she spoke.  Did she consider that I could have been a woman dealing with fertility issues, I could have been unhappily pregnant, I could have been carrying an unviable pregnancy to term.

She got off easy.  I was just an overweight, full-time college student who would spent the next 3 months eating her feelings in response to this unwarranted attack.

These questions people fire off like an M-16 are personal questions.  These questions come with emotional price tags, and they should go unasked.

when-its-okay-to-ask-a-woman-if-shes-pregnant-460x322

If you don’t know people well enough to ask what sexual position is their favorite, maybe you should refrain from asking them when they are going to have children or if they are pregnant.  Maybe you should just talk about the politics or religion.

– NinjaKitty

#notpregnantjustfat  #keepittoyourself  #betterleftunasked

Your Shoes Are Uncomfortable

I would walk a mile in your shoes, but they kind of cramp my style and actually my feet, too.  It’s actually highly inconvenient.    I would love to see your life experiences through your eyes, but it’s really bothersome to my agenda of ME.   These may seem like harsh or judgmental statements, but it is sadly the truth. Many of us fail to take the time to really understand the other person’s perspective.

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Walk in her shoes before you laugh. Okay, maybe not!

There are so many things that encompass you and who YOU are.  Your intelligence, your maturity, and your wisdom.  You can be mature and intelligent and still be blind to the world because you don’t have the experiences to give you wisdom.  Or mature and wise, but lacking intelligence to make educated decisions.  And some are even intelligent and wise, but don’t have the maturity to not be swallowed whole by a situation and letting it’s impact on you become the end all be all.

I have been exposed to people who confidently classify themselves in boxes that are not mainstream:  Socially Liberal yet Fiscally Conservative, Feminist SAHMs, Gay Christians, Gay Conservatives, Gay Gunowners (wha?), Conservative Atheists (another wha?), Christian Pro-Choicers, . . .  I could go on and on.  Some of you may not be shocked these people exist, but I know for a fact many of you are.  My point is there are many things that shape who we are and contribute to our forming opinions of others.  There are many things that influence how we view situations and solutions.

Emotional maturity. . . Reading others. . .Intuition. . .

A wise lady once said to me after having been harshly judged on her political views, “You know, I believe our life experiences add up to make us who we are.  Not a single other person has experienced life the way I have experienced mine.  To judge me on my beliefs be it political, religious, or whatever is really ignorant and unjustified.”    I say, “Amen, wise lady.  Amen.”

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– Shelly
#quitbeingsojudgmental #walkamileineveryonesshoes #stopbeingaturd #amibeingcatty