Throughout my life I have battled insecurities about my image. I was told I had big hips in sixth grade by several mean, pre-teen girls. I was frequently reminded that I had large thighs each time my grandmother would pinch an inch and lovingly tell me just how envious she was that I had “a little meat on my legs.” Little did I know, these comments would stay with me and haunt me much of my life.
Most would consider me of petite stature…standing 5’3″ tall and weighing under 115 pounds. Even so, I am a bit curvy. I have always had a round derriere, hips and thighs. I also matured much faster than all of the girls my age as my upward trajectory stopped abruptly in sixth grade. I gained both a full C cup and my period in fifth grade, much to my chagrin. I neither knew what to think or feel ….and there were lots of feelings. What I did notice was that my appearance was very different than my peers. At this time in my life, I began to feel insecure and even envious that the girls my age were still in training bras and looked like little ….well…..girls, yet I was looking more and more like a woman.
When I reached my teenage years, I was so self- conscious of the way my legs appeared that I hated to wear bathing suits because I didn’t want anyone to see them. I would refuse invitations to go to the pool or boating with friends, especially if a guy would be in near sight of them. I also hated wearing shorts for the very same reason. Needless to say, Daisy Dukes were never part of my wardrobe.
In college, I had short, dark hair while most of the buxom coeds were rocking long, blonde locks and pencil-thin bodies. I felt most men would find me unattractive because of my short hair and big thighs. I decided at that point to make a change. I tried dying my hair and let my manly cut grow out. Of course I wasn’t satisfied with that either, because I promptly died my hair back to my original color because the blonde was absolutely hideous.
I was dating and getting my heart broken just like most college girls my age, but for me it seemed to cement the theory that there was something wrong with me. I began dieting and working out incessently. I was obsessed with the thought that something about me needed to be fixed. My new diet led to an eating disorder and an obsession with exercising. I had lost so much weight that I became sick, but I was starting to see results and I couldn’t stop it. I counted calories and fat grams until I was eating nothing of any substance and my body started to shut down.
Everytime I went to social gatherings I would scope out the room and size up the competition….making me feel even more insecure. I always felt inadequate. Big boobed, blonde- haired, blue-eyed girls who had legs up to there. And there I was me trying to figure out what I needed to change about myself so that I could look like the buxom beauties. I was 5’3″ and now far too thin. I definitely no longer filled out the C cup. Instead, the girls were now size B pancakes. So I decided to get an augmentation. I was now a DD and believed that surely these new additions would make me feel more attractive. But of course they didn’t….
You see I had learned to be critical of just about every aspect of my appearance at a very young age. I have hated myself and my appearance more days than not. But somehow I found someone who loved the things I hated most about myself. While it was difficult to accept his love of me and for me, I grew to accept his flattery. I would sometimes cringe when he complimented my appearance because I couldn’t see it for myself, much less believe he felt that way. I hated myself and felt guilty for shutting him out. Thankfully, he never stopped complimenting me and eventually I started to hear him….and really believe him.
I eventually married the man who couldn’t get enough of my big ass and thighs. He even likes my short, dark hair. Today when I look in a mirror I actually see myself staring back at me. I am now a Mother and have a few “markers” that remind me of that…..loose skin around my waist-line, stretch marks on my upper thighs and breasts, gray hairs and I have even developed the “thass” (the area between my ass and thigh that just kind of runs together). Although I am definitely showing signs of aging with crow’s feet and laugh lines, I am for once starting to become comfortable in my own skin. Sure, I still have many insecurities and struggle with things I need to work on, but I am healthier and more content now. With each new wrinkle or pound I gain, I remind myself that I am beautiful just as I am and that those “markers” are markers of a full and content life.
Looking back on years past, I wish I had been more confident in my appearance and had learned to love myself a little more. I think about the younger me and wish I had afforded myself the opportunity to wear those shorts. Maybe I will one day.
AIBC Team Member,
Recently I have been moved by the Dove Beauty campaigns that are designed to promote self-esteem among girls. Please see link below.
- NewVo Beauty Comments on the Latest Blonde Hair Trends for Fall 2013… (prweb.com)
- Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s the way she’s standing. (apostolakisangela.wordpress.com)
- Thighs (xtwist.wordpress.com)
- Short haired girl: She must be butch! (thatshorthairedgirl.wordpress.com)