Finding Me In Spite of Myself

Throughout my life I have battled insecurities about my image. I was told I had big hips in sixth grade by several mean, pre-teen girls. I was frequently reminded that I had large thighs each time my grandmother would pinch an inch and lovingly tell me just how envious she was that I had “a little meat on my legs.”  Little did I know, these comments would stay with me and haunt me much of my life.

Most would consider me of petite stature…standing 5’3″ tall and weighing under 115 pounds. Even so, I am a bit curvy. I have always had a round derriere, hips and thighs. I also matured much faster than all of the girls my age as my upward trajectory stopped abruptly in sixth grade. I gained both a full C cup and my period in fifth grade, much to my chagrin. I neither knew what to think or feel ….and there were lots of feelings. What I did notice was that my appearance was very different than my peers. At this time in my life, I began to feel insecure and even envious that the girls my age were still in training bras and looked like little ….well…..girls,  yet I was looking more and more like a woman.

When I reached my teenage years, I was so self- conscious of the way my legs appeared that I hated to wear bathing suits because I didn’t want anyone to see them. I would refuse invitations to go to the pool or boating with friends, especially if a guy would be in near sight of them. I also hated wearing shorts for the very same reason. Needless to say, Daisy Dukes were never part of my wardrobe.

In college, I had short, dark hair while most of the buxom coeds were rocking long, blonde locks and pencil-thin bodies. I felt most men would find me unattractive because of my short hair and big thighs. I decided at that point to make a change. I tried dying my hair and let my manly cut grow out. Of course I wasn’t satisfied with that either, because I promptly died my hair back to my original color because the blonde was absolutely hideous.

I was dating and getting my heart broken just like most college girls my age, but for me it seemed to cement the theory that there was something wrong with me. I began dieting and working out incessently. I was obsessed with the thought that something about me needed to be fixed. My new diet led to an eating disorder and an obsession with exercising. I had lost so much weight that I became sick, but I was starting to see results and I couldn’t stop it. I counted calories and fat grams until I was eating nothing of any substance and my body started to shut down.

Everytime I went to social gatherings I would scope out the room and size up the competition….making me feel even more insecure. I always felt inadequate. Big boobed, blonde- haired, blue-eyed girls who had legs up to there. And there I was me trying to figure out what I needed to change about myself so that I could look like the buxom beauties. I was 5’3″ and now far too thin.  I definitely no longer filled out the C cup. Instead, the girls were now size B pancakes. So I decided to get an augmentation. I was now a DD and believed that surely these new additions would make me feel more attractive. But of course they didn’t….

You see I had learned to be critical of  just about every aspect of my appearance at a very young age. I have hated myself and my appearance more days than not. But somehow I found someone who loved the things I hated most about myself. While it was difficult to accept his love of me and for me, I grew to accept his flattery. I would sometimes cringe when he complimented my appearance because I couldn’t see it for myself, much less believe he felt that way.  I hated myself and felt guilty for shutting him out.  Thankfully, he never stopped complimenting me and eventually I started to hear him….and really believe him.

I eventually married the man who couldn’t get enough of my big ass and thighs. He even likes my short, dark hair. Today when I look in a mirror I actually see myself staring back at me. I am now a Mother and have a few “markers” that remind me of that…..loose skin around my waist-line, stretch marks on my upper thighs and breasts, gray hairs and I have even developed the “thass” (the area between my ass and thigh that just kind of runs together). Although I am definitely showing signs of aging with crow’s feet and laugh lines,  I am for once starting to become comfortable in my own skin. Sure,  I still have many insecurities and struggle with things I need to work on, but I am healthier and more content now. With each new wrinkle or pound I gain, I remind myself that I am beautiful just as I am and that those “markers” are markers of a full and content life.

 Looking back on years past, I wish I had been more confident in my appearance and had learned to love myself a little more. I think about the younger me and wish I had afforded myself the opportunity to wear those shorts. Maybe I will one day.

AIBC Team Member,

Krissi

Recently I have been moved by the Dove Beauty campaigns that are designed to promote self-esteem among girls. Please see link below.

http://www.dove.us/Tips-Topics-And-Tools/Videos/Building-Self-Esteem.aspx#ooid=M5c3FhYjpzGxzFXBRbsTq7qrlgdutPoW

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4 responses to “Finding Me In Spite of Myself

  1. Nice post, and happy you are where you are now. You sound satisfied which is the best, isn’t it?
    I’ve always had a nice sized arse and thighs (wish I had the boobs to go with it) and I guess you could call me a pear shaped gal. I’ve always longed for those thin long legs that look fabulous in short- shorts but it just looks inappropriate on me. I’ve embraced all things dresses and avoid crop pants like the plague as 5’4 girls don’t need any help looking shorter. But, ya know what…that’s just me now and I just rock what I got.
    Confidence and brains are far more attractive than a dim wit mean girl with mile long legs whose got nothing interesting to offer the world. If I had a little girl I’d educate the hell outta her and plop an instrument in her hand and tell her she can be president (if she wants). Then, I’d show her how to wear makeup AFTER all that. We as chicks should try and be a little nicer and supportive of each other and our differences. We owe that to the little chicks especially.

  2. Here here! I couldn’t have said it better myself amyk2000!

  3. Speaking as a guy that was so overwhelmingly self-conscious and insecure that I didn’t even go on a single date until I was 30, I will say that guys can suffer from this too.
    Still, it seems so much more pervasive among women. Every single woman I dated, including my now wife, have had deepseated issues of this nature. No matter how confident they were outwardly, there was always something. No matter how often I sincerely complimented them on every aspect of their appearance, the insecurities persist.
    At first it confused and sometimes even upset me that they couldn’t see how beautiful they truly were. Eventually I looked in the mirror and saw that I have similar issues myself. I came to accept just how diificult these issues are to overcome in all of us.

  4. Pingback: Making the Grade | Folklores' of the Chosen

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