Hire a B* Out

Let’s face it, there are some of us who just can’t be mean, even when someone deserves it. If we’re dealing with a lousy boyfriend, our kid’s psycho baseball coach, or the DirectTV service agent who didn’t honor that two-month free HBO, we just can’t seem to summon our inner Sue Sylvester.

We’ve come to the conclusion that being a catty bitch, Southern belle or not, has its perks. It also has its purpose. Some of us have that talent. Others do not.

I propose a new business. Hire a Bitch Out.

This idea came to me after a friend, who had been furloughed from the government shutdown (ahem…speaking of needing to hire a bitch out for something), had some free time on her hands. I also had a girlfriend whose boyfriend needed a … well, let’s just say an ass kicking.

My friend had tired of daytime TV, so when I told her of my other friend’s situation, she eagerly wanted to help because she could bitch out a lousy boyfriend in her sleep. I think the idea actually gave her a little joy. Of course, that’s where the conversation ended, but it gave me a brilliant idea.

“Hire a Bitch Out.”

This would be the equivalent of a  wing man, I guess. My husband has mastered this technique. He’s somewhat built, I’d say, but he’s about 5’10. There have been a few instances where he’s gotten a little cocky with someone during a night on the town, and when it’s time to face the music, he would call for his friend, Mike, a 300-pound, 6’5 bald man (who had the heart of a lamb, but you wouldn’t know it to look at him). Point taken. I’m sure Mike got a couple of beers out of the situation, so maybe I can barter my friend’s services for wine or, in a pinch, a Dolce and Gabbana gift card.

But for those who don’t have a catty friend to call on, these women could utilize this hiring service by contracting someone to do the job who really enjoyed putting a tongue lashing to those who need it.

Before I start my little venture, I had to scope out the competition.

When I did my research, I came across a “Bitch for Hire” on Facebook. Brilliant, but bad marketing. Only 25 likes?!

facebook_catty

“Need to fire someone? Want to tell someone off but just don’t know how? Here is your solution! Bitch for Hire will deal with all your unpleasant human interactions.”

I’m not sure if she charges for her services or if it’s a non-profit sort of charity. Plus the photo looks like a drunk sorority girl who’s lost her car. I need someone with at least a Resting Bitchy Face. (Cue video….)

I also found a “Rent a Bitch” business–using that term loosely–but it sounds like you’re hiring a UHaul, not a service. Plus it’s $10/day. I don’t know about you, but I’d be worried you’d get a lot of apathetic one-liners. With my service, it would require background knowledge of the particular situation, rational thinking—think debate club experience—and a mouth like a sailor.

These women would be pros.

Need someone who will talk that bar manager into taking off that bogus $4 charge and comping your next meal as an apology? Need someone who will get in your coworker’s face and tell her she is not allowed to tell anyone else you’re hungover every Monday morning? Need someone who will spend two hours on the phone with Comcast customer service to say you will not pay a dime more for their bundled service after they promised six months of free high-speed Internet?

Consider me your broker to hire someone to do your dirty work, because trust me — I know a lot of catty bitches who gladly take your money and get you results!

.

Because let’s face it, it’s exhausting being a bitch when your true nature is just a sweet and empathetic chic who loves Four Weddings and a Funeral and cries during the Bank of America commercials. Let’s face it, some of us are pushovers (it’s not like a bad thing, it’s just who we are!).

But if this business venture doesn’t work out, you can always try to kill with kindness, right?

 

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2 responses to “Hire a B* Out

  1. “killing them with kindness” is just fine if you want them DEAD … what if you just want them to STFU …
    i think i’ve found a new career. Thanks @amibeingcatty!!!

  2. I need this service ASAP. It is so hard for me bitchy. And then when I am, I have so much remorse!! I would pay well for this service.

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