What Not to Say at Work

I think we can all agree that work relationships can be a breeding ground for back-stabbing, catty, underhanded and tense situations, and those are just during after-work happy hours. Sometimes it’s all you can do to just keep your trap shut and practice professional decorum. 

To help you avoid the cattiness and douchebaggery (did I just make that up?), here are a few things not to say at work. … You’re free to say them in your head if it makes you feel better, though.

1. Casual Friday does not mean show up in your nightie and call it a dress. We’ll all be back to wearing khakis and polos if you don’t get your girls and gams covered up.

Tights are not pants. Nighties are not dresses. Bras are not camisoles.

2. If I request another work station, have an air purifier and refuse to take sinus medicine, it should be a sign that your overindulgence of Debbie Gibson knock-off perfume is underappreciated. You need to take a bath in tomato juice and scrub the skunk off.

It’s not a night club. It’s work. Rein in your pheromones.

3. Oh, yes. Please send me another inappropriate joke through inter-office email and copy everyone on it. And then make sure that everyone copies everyone else’s LOL and “too funny!” because I totally have time for that shit. I also love the fact you embed 1 MB photo files in the email that crash my computer. But by all means, send away – I don’t mean to be the stick in the mud when everyone just needs a stress reliever.

And you do it badly. Text over the face? Come on! Use those photoshop skills, man!

4. You know that TPS report you turned in Friday? That was a piece of crap. Try again and make some semblance of an effort to actually do your job…you know, the one you’re paid to do here. By the way, I know that you go to the bathroom every hour to play Candy Crush.

Bite me.

5. If I have to sit through another slide presentation that tells me to “maximize work production,” “optimize cost opportunities,” and “diversify our responsibilities,” I’m going to throw myself out the window and take the copier toner with me. Just tell me to do more work for less pay and get it over with.

We all have pet peeves at work. Get it off your chest and vent what you’d like to say here. We’ll never say a word…


One response to “What Not to Say at Work

  1. The gum smacker…it’s the worst!

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