This is one of those What NOT To-Do Lists. Unless, of course you want to have your oldest friends get fed up enough to send you straight to voicemail every time you call.
So, here is the AIBC Top Ten for how to lose a friend:
10. Ignore the text messages that your bestie sends by not opening them so it looks like you haven’t “READ” them. For days.
9. Make plans for dinner with your friend. Cancel. Reschedule. Cancel again. Via text message.
8. Decline an invitation to a girl’s night at the movies by saying you have a migraine. Post photos on Facebook of the game night you attended instead.
7. Never initiate. Let her rearrange her schedule and invite you to concerts, plays, dinners, and sporting events without returning the favor. Every girl wants a side-kick!
6. Bring your new boyfriend, your mom, your neighbor, your parents (whoever happens to be in your general vicinity) when your bestie calls and asks you to meet her for drinks because she had a horrible day.
5. Text your friend to say that you are dreading the coffee date plans you made for Wednesday. Realize that she is the one you have coffee date plans with on Wednesday.
4. Call on your highly successful college suitemate to be a sponsor for the charity event you are currently planning. You know she will say yes because she sends you an email to support her cross country bike ride every year even though you have never donated.
3. Ignore milestones even when you realize you are a day (or week) late. Birthdays, anniversaries, buying a house, relatives passing away — you can’t spare a minute to send a quick message apologizing and making plans to talk soon.
2. You finally made it. You are presenting in front of several hundred people and your friend pre-unwrapped a whole bag of cough drops in order to sit in the front row and smile and start your standing ovation. Two weeks later it’s her turn, and the date has been on your calendar for months. Forget that you have plans and declare on Facebook that Thursday night kicks off your long weekend consisting of sweatpants, alone time, and wine on the couch.
1. Your friend scores sweet seats to an outdoor concert you have been dying to see and offers to sell you one. Drive to the venue in the rain, sit in the car for fifteen minutes, and then decide you are going to sit-out the opening act to see if the rain lets up. Text after half an hour that you decided to go home. Leave your friend there to find a ride home. Never pay her for the concert ticket because you didn’t use it.
Want to ditch the person who has been there for you through break-ups and hung around during the “new phase” of your rebounds? Dying to lose the pal who texts you to see how you are doing when you call in sick and brings you soup if you have the sniffles? Need to cut the cord with the BFF that knows your Starbucks order without asking and drops everything to help you kick out your loser boyfriend while nursing her own hangover?
Just stick to the list above. You should be well on your way.
AIBC Team Member Zenkitty